It's natural for wife number two to wonder about the woman he married first, but don’t let your curiosity get out of hand, warns Cristina Odone (right). Instead, focus on the advantages of having a second-hand husband.
I call it the ‘Rebecca’ complex: the suspicion that as a second wife I’m second best. The original Rebecca, the first wife in Daphne du Maurier’s classic novel of that name, was dead and a dead-glamorous man-eater who nearly sabotaged her surviving husband’s second marriage. Thankfully most of us don’t come in the wake of such a powerful ghost. But many second wives, like me, find that the first wife casts a very long shadow over the new relationship.
When I married Edward, his ex-wife Claudia insisted we meet. I was going to play an important role in their sons’ lives, and she wanted to size me up. At a shabby hotel near Victoria train station, over several shots of whisky, we had a long and very amicable evening during which we discussed every possible aspect of the future.
The past, however, was left untouched – and there’s the rub. No matter how friendly relations are – between the ex-spouses, the new spouses, the children, the former in-laws – the second wife inevitably comes up against the question: what really happened? What was it like when they were in love, when they quarrelled, went on holiday, when – and this can make you go mad – they were in bed? These questions raise their ugly little heads during a second marriage, and how you deal with them will shape your relationship.
Who can blame the present Mrs for having a few queries about the former? After all, loving someone means wanting to know a lot more than what they’re like right now. If the second wife is confident and wise, she will allow questions about his previous marriage to intrigue her rather than obsess her.
In the ex-wife’s hands, the mobile is a hand grenade: she’s constantly ringing him about some child-related matter.
It is only natural to wonder whether his dexterity in the kitchen is down to the first wife not cooking. Is his need to share diaries at the beginning of each week a new habit, or because they’d rowed over the need for transparency? Can one attribute his amazing punctuality to upbringing or to the fact that he let down wife number one so often, she finally threw a wobbly that traumatised him into keeping a constant eye on the clock?
For some second wives, however, curiosity about the first can tend to get out of hand. They badger husbands and friends, relatives and even the children with questions about everything from her sense of humour to her taste in underwear. They fear that, if kept in the shadows, the first wife appears alluring, sophisticated and all-powerful. Knowing that she had an awful line in ‘dumb blonde’ jokes, or wore big pants, makes the ghost more disposable.
Most husbands try to contain such inquisitiveness. They prevent a veil of mystery from shrouding the first wife, and subscribe to the theory that he who keeps no secrets carries no burning torch. But a few husbands actually encourage their second wives’ endless comparison. Guilt, nostalgia or regret prompt them to hold up their first Mrs as a yardstick to measure the new one by. She may have been dumped to make way for her successor, but suddenly she was the best at everything. Cooking, cleaning, child-rearing: it can seem like the first wife achieved a level of perfection in all areas; in contrast the new one looks like a sad little wannabe.
For the husband, creating this inferiority complex can be a convenient form of control. If he wants his present wife to get a job, discipline the children or stop nagging, pillow talk may take ages, and even then fail. Holding up the ex-wife as a role model instead will have the new one gnashing her teeth – but rising to the challenge.
Equally bad are the men who claim that constantly hailing the past (and the ex) keeps the new wife on her toes. She’ll never be complacent, they argue, with the ghost of her predecessor haunting every corner of her life.
Such mind games, according to Susanna Abse, director of the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, reveal the husband’s problem with intimacy: ‘The ex-wife is being used by the husband as a way of asserting his need for separateness: “I can’t give myself to you completely, I have this other family too...”’
They can prove destructive: in the UK half of all second marriages end in divorce (for first time marriages, the proportion is slightly lower, with two out of five failing; for third marriages it is worse, with 60 per cent failing).
Outsiders, too, can stoke the fires of your curiosity about wife number one. I remember vividly sitting at a dinner party and hearing the rather drunk hostess ask Edward, ‘So why did you and Claudia break up? Was it fast and furious sex followed by fast and furious rows?’ I felt as if I’d received an electric shock: what would he answer? What was the truth? But Edward deftly changed the topic, and within minutes the hostess was answering questions about her son’s GCSE results. She was robbed of her answer…but I was robbed of my peace of mind.
I sat through the rest of the dinner incapable of concentrating on anything anyone was saying, trying to push away the images that the words ‘fast and furious sex’ kept raising. Did my husband see me as a less exciting but more manageable choice? Was our marriage a case of ‘anything for a quiet life’ after the stormy sexual rapture of his first marriage? I felt miserable, as if I’d been demoted to the mousey second try after the spectacular Claudia had proved too hot to handle.
It was only later that night, when we were on our own, and Edward treated the incident as a joke, that I realised I’d been wandering down a dangerous track.
I pulled back in time, but I’d had a glimpse of how a first wife could sabotage a second marriage. Getting married to a divorcé or a widower can trigger a real identity crisis: am I a replacement, a relief, or a reproach? Am I a pale imitation of the one who got away?
Susanna Abse places these concerns in a psychological context: ‘Feeling left out, being the third, or left behind: these fears are quickly evoked in us in all kinds of situations. But in the crucible of family life, the feelings about exclusion, when one feels unsure or uncertain, become particularly intense and difficult to deal with.’
Some first wives positively relish the power they wield. I’ve encountered women who refuse to ‘move on’ when their husbands remarry. This is particularly true when there are children from the first marriage, as the children give them a claim on their ex-husband. For this nightmare first wife, there are no boundaries. She offers advice to her successor, though it’s not sought, and treats their new home as an extension of her own.
In her hands, the mobile is a hand grenade: she’s constantly ringing him about some
child-related matter, timing her calls to coincide with supper or Sunday lunch or bath time. One ex-wife managed to ruin the first Christmas a friend was enjoying with her new husband by manufacturing a succession of domestic dramas – broken heating, a stalker’s phone calls… The solution to all these horrors was simple: she should come and stay over for the holidays. Ho ho ho.
Boundaries can be invisible to the second wife too. In my new novel The Good Divorce Guide, Linda, the new woman on the scene, is constantly asking first wife Rosie for recipes and tips to keep her man. This is a fictional account of a friend who, although dumped for a ‘younger model’, found herself assailed by telephone calls, text messages and invitations from her successor. It was as if the first wife had to be co-opted into the new relationship; the new union needed her blessing to blossom, the marriage-breakers sought absolution.
Whether relations are friendly enough to have Christmas together in one big happy family, or so strained that the only conversations are held through the divorce lawyers, first wives will always be in the background of a second marriage. When there are children, this is especially so: first and second wives need to communicate on practical details such as flights and orthodontist appointments, as well as larger issues such as dealing with the school bully. Retreating behind an icy, unforgiving silence may offer instant gratification, but it doesn’t get the braces off or the bully stopped.
As we second wives shoulder the burden of dealing with wife number one, we should draw strength from seeing our man’s first stab at marriage as a practice run that has made him all the better for the real thing. We should be grateful to the ex-wife who taught him a thing or two about picking his wet towels off the floor and taking the rubbish out when it stinks up the kitchen. In fact, some of us suspect that, had we met Mr Right before he’d been broken in by Mrs Wrong, we wouldn’t have taken a second look.
